


Madness

by wishyouwerehere2004



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Drama, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-07
Updated: 2015-07-10
Packaged: 2017-12-14 05:20:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/833204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishyouwerehere2004/pseuds/wishyouwerehere2004
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"At least I'm not pathetic and stupid enough to be in love with someone who doesn't want me."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Greetings everyone! I haven't written fan fiction in such a long time, a) because somehow I've acquired a life and b) quite frankly, I'm too old to be doing this shit ;). But something in me coudn't resist a nice, prolonged, mind-numbing writing marathon. And so I bring to you all this monstrosity. I have yet to see a story like this out there, but then, I'll be dead and gone before I ever have the time to read every Adam Lambert fiction out there. A quick disclaimer: I am no way affiliated nor own or profit from Adam Lambert or any other persons mentioned herein that you recognize. I intend no libel or slander in any way. All original characters belong to me. The title and a good portion of this story are loosely based on the song "Madness" by Muse. Business aside and without further ado, read away, lovelies, and hopefully enjoy. :)

**Madness**

_I can't get these memories out of my mind_

_And some kind of madness has started to evolve_

_I tried so hard to let you go_

_But some kind of madness is swallowing me whole_

_-Madness, Muse_

**Chapter 1**

_Lilies. The stench of lilies, carnations, and a multitude of other strongly scented flowers was suffocating me. I felt sick, but every time I tried to take slow, deep breaths, those fucking lilies threatened to choke the very life out of me. Wouldn’t that be ironic; my death caused by the flowers decorating my own mother’s funeral. I bit back an inappropriate laugh at that thought as I listened to the pastor tell the audience of this disgusting affair what a wonderful person Nicole Marie Monterosso-Erickson was. I shot the pastor a puzzled look; clearly he along with many others did not know my mother very well. Why were we all sitting here pretending that her beautiful soul was at peace even though “death had claimed her far too soon” , when it was her own fucking fault she was in that hideous wooden box in front of us? My mother may have been physically beautiful, but her soul was far from it. Her stupid choices landed her in her final resting spot, and I wasn’t sure if I would ever forgive her for leaving me, my dad, and my brother behind for her own selfish agenda. I glanced to the left over at my brother who was trying to look as stoic and unfeeling as possible. The tears rimming his eyes successfully ruined that façade. To my right, my dad sat unmoving, looking lost, tired, and broken. I felt bad for him. I stared down at my lap and traced patterns in the soft velvet dress I was wearing. I remembered when my mom had come home with that dress, excitedly insisting how lovely I would look in it. And it was that solitary goddamned memory that produced a loud sob from me without my permission. My mom was dead._

I shuddered and quickly shook my mind out of that awful memory from four years ago and brought myself back to the present. The desert sun beat down on me with a hateful vengeance as I stood idly on our new front porch. It was two in the afternoon and ungodly hot, and my dad and brother were currently unloading the U-Haul that sat in the driveway of our new house. I shook my head, angry that we had moved in the first place.

"You know, a little help would be nice here, Faira," my dad huffed, wiping the sheen of sweat that had accumulated on his brow.

"No thanks," I deadpanned in return, wiping a bead of sweat that had begun to drip down the back of my own neck.

"Look, it's not like we moved across the country. We're practically still in the same neighborhood. It won't kill you to help out you lazy bitch," my brother snapped at me. Anger roiled in the pit of my stomach, along with the nausea that had been there since we'd begun moving three days ago.

"Go fuck yourself, Frankie," I spat back at him.

"Both of you knock it off with the language please!“ My dad yelled.

"Learned it from you," I pointed out, somewhat amused. My dad didn’t think it was funny.

"Faira!" he hollered. What an amazing first impression we must’ve been making on our new neighbors.

"Sorry." I mumbled. _Not really, though_.

At that moment my brother tripped up the porch step and fell forward, sending the box that he was carrying flying from his hands. It hit the concrete with a deafening crash and all of its contents (our nice dishes) flew out and shattered. If I wasn't in such a foul mood I would have laughed my ass off. My dad sighed in frustration and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Damn it, Frank! You know, just for once I'd like to see things go smoothly in this family," he groaned, sounding utterly defeated as he grabbed my brother by his elbow and pulled him up off the ground.

"What family?" I grumbled. My brother hobbled passed me, holding his right knee, his face distorted with pain.

"Idiot," I hissed at him, looking at the mess that was once our nice holiday tableware.

"That is enough out of you! Quit acting like you have it so bad. One more negative comment and I will slap the teeth out of your mouth!" my dad hollered, pointing his finger at me. My brother pointed a choice finger at me also, but it certainly wasn't his index.

"Oh, sit on it Frank! You see? And you wonder why we are the way we are! This family is a fucking circus sideshow!" I yelled back at my dad before taking off down the driveway and out to the sidewalk. Such was the drama of my fifteen year old life. I was just a typical teenage girl who happened to be a little rough around the edges. My brother was only two years older than me, and he wasn't any better. My dad, who's name was Anthony Erickson, was only thirty-five years old, having had both of us in his teens. My mother, well, she was dead. There was really no pretty way of stating that, and I will give my dad a ton of credit for sticking it out with two young kids by himself. I knew that he hated my mom just as much as I did for leaving us. He felt bad, because she had checked out mentally far before she had physically, leaving me pretty much motherless. He blamed himself for the way I was growing up with out the influence of a good woman who would teach me things, fix my hair, dress me nicely, the list could go on forever. I didn’t blame him though. I loved my dad to the moon and back and had a great admiration for him, although you wouldn’t think it now. It was just this move.

_Oh, god, this move._

The house we were moving into was nice, but it was definitely a bit of a down grade from the one we had. My dad was unfortunately demoted in his job and trying to cut corners everywhere he could to make sure my brother and I were always provided for, hence _the move_. I knew he was stressed, and the last thing he needed was my selfish attitude, but damned if I wasn’t my father’s daughter. Stubborn to a fault. I walked for about a block before the sun wore any energy that I had left to a zero, so I stopped and sat down on the curb. Unfortunately the concrete was hotter than the flames of hell and it scorched my ass right through my jean shorts. I swore as I stood back up, wondering how much longer I should give it before I could return to my dad's presence without him wanting to knock me clear to China.

*******

The three of us slept on the living room floor on a pile of blankets and pillows that first night, everyone having been too exhausted to set up any bedrooms. I lay awake as my dad and brother snored away in unison, creating some bizarre nasal symphony. Our TV sat on the floor as well, plugged into the wall and featuring some late night talk show. I sat up and inhaled slowly, and that new home scent flooded my senses, making me uneasy. I could feel a knot forming in my throat as I thought about the house that I was so fondly attached to. The feeling of having to say good bye to it that morning was agonizingly painful. I blinked my eyes rapidly, refusing to let myself cry. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep anytime soon so I stood up and quietly tiptoed around several empty cartons of noodles and made my way through the kitchen and the entryway, and silently let myself out the front door. The night air had cooled off considerably and brought with it a sense something akin to peace. Not that I would let myself admit I was feeling tranquil in any way. I was decidedly okay with being in emotional purgatory for the time being. The porch furniture was there, set up and inviting. I sat in one of the chairs and leaned back, propping my bare feet up on the table. A bird chirped somewhere off in the distance and the hum of sparse traffic could be heard every so often. I looked up at the clear night sky, and as I listened to the quiet sounds, I contemplated on ways I could try and cope with the situation at hand in a mature fashion, or if I even wanted to. It wasn't my life's mission to be difficult and make everyone around me miserable; I was a reasonably light-hearted person by nature. I just didn't take too kindly to change, particularly moving. This one was rough, and as I thought about what I wouldn’t give to be in my old bedroom again, my body betrayed me as my eyes burned with tears. I wiped them in frustration and resisted the urge to put my fist through the top of the glass patio table.

My little pity party was interrupted when I saw a figure walking briskly down the street. I couldn't make anything out other than that the person was wearing jeans and a black jacket with the hood pulled over their head. The broad shoulders told me it was most likely a man. Whomever it was seemed to be walking with a purpose, striding quickly with his head down and his hands stuffed in his pockets. I grew nervous and my heart rate picked up as he neared my house. Was he a burglar? A rapist? A murderer? I wasn't going to stick around and find out. As loud as my dad and brother were snoring inside they'd never hear me scream. Unfortunately I couldn't avoid being seen as I stood up, and I cursed the motion sensor light that came on and flooded the entire front yard in harsh fluorescent light. I froze, and the figure looked up at me briefly. A pale, freckled face and a few locks of strawberry blonde hair were all I saw before he continued on his way, no interest in me whatsoever.

"The hell?" I asked myself silently. As soon as his back was the only thing I could see, I hurried inside my house and locked the door. I was hating the situation at hand more by the second. As I turned away from the door, I slammed square into my brother. I shrieked as my forehead collided with his chin.

“Goddamn it, Frank! What the fuck!” I yelled, grabbing my now throbbing head.

“Shhh! Be quiet Faira! You’re so fucking loud!” he hissed at me, covering my mouth with his hand. I slapped it away as we waited momentarily to see if my big mouth had woken up our dad. Silence.

“What are you doing?” I insisted a little more quietly this time around.

“Looking for you. I heard you go outside. You know dad would flip out if he woke up and you weren’t there,” he said.

“And what business is that of yours?” I snapped.

“Quit it, Faira. Why are you being such an asshole? You’ve been like this for days.”

“I’m not be- I- I don’t know.” Had had me there, and I couldn’t deny it.

“It’s not dad’s fault that we’re in this predicament. He didn’t ask for any of this, you know,” my brother said, glaring at me.

“I don’t blame dad for any this,” I shot back, balling my fists up at my sides.

“Well the way you’re acting sure says otherwise. You’re being a fucking jerk, so stop it.”

My defense mode flared to maximum capacity. “Oh don’t stand there and act like you’re a fucking saint, you hypocrite! I’m not the one who spends their days holed up in the dean’s office at school, getting Ds and Fs, and basically setting myself up for failure at LIFE!” I yelled, discarding my indoor voice. My brother looked momentarily hurt, and then anger took over. I struck a nerve big time.

“You are such a bitch. I hate you,” he growled, stalking back toward the living room.

“That really hurts Frankie. Especially coming from you, loser!” I called after him. God, was I looking to get my ass kicked or what? I needed to retire for the night, that was for sure.

*******

"Faira, get the door!" my dad hollered at me late the next afternoon from one of the bedrooms.

I pulled my head out of the refrigerator. "I didn't hear anything!"

"Well clean out your ears!"

The doorbell rang for an alleged second time, and I wondered how I had missed it the first time. I carried the spoon covered in peanut butter that I was eating straight from the jar with me to the front door and opened it. There stood a young boy who couldn't have been older than twelve, with dark curly hair.

"Hi," he said nervously, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

"Hello," I replied warily around the peanut butter covered spoon in my mouth. He didn't say anything after that so I poked my head outside to see if anyone was with him; a parent, a babysitter, anything. No one.

"You lost?" I asked him.

"No, ma'am."

"You selling something? Girl Scout cookies?"

"I'm not a girl," he replied, looking slightly offended. I was about to ask him what the age limit for door-to-door Jehovah's Witnesses was when he finally stated his business.

"Um, I live three houses down, and I used to mow the lawn for the people that lived here before you, so I was wondering if you'd like me to mow it for you," he rambled off quickly. I looked out at the grass that was indeed long and uneven.

"For free?" I asked him.

"No way, twenty bucks!" he replied. I smiled at him.

"Smart boy. What's your name kid?"

"Neil Lambert."

"Well Neil Lambert, hang here for just a second." I walked back into the house and into one of the bedrooms where my dad and brother were putting together a bed frame.

"Dad, do you want the lawn mowed for twenty dollars?"

"Get out of here, I am not paying you twenty dollars to mow that grass," he said.

"Not me! You really think I'd push around a lawn mower? There's some kid at the door offering. Says he lives down the street."

"Now that I'll take," my dad said, making his way past me.

"Oh, nice, so you'll pay some strange kid twenty dollars but not me?" I asked incredulously.

"You're damn right Faira! Now get in your room and start putting your stuff away!” he yelled over his shoulder. I heaved a frustrated sigh as I wandered into my new bedroom and looked around sullenly at all of the boxes that were awaiting unpacking. I had absolutely no desire to unpack, and the thought of doing so made me want to throw a tantrum of epic and childish proportions.

“Pull yourself together Faira,” I muttered to myself, pacing the floor. Ten minutes later I heard the sound of a lawn mower being started up. I picked through a few boxes, not really accomplishing anything. At some point, the sounds of the lawn mower moved from the front yard to the back. I shuffled through a box of DVDs, and not too long after, the doorbell rang again.

"Jesus," I mumbled, making my way out to the front door for the second time. How many people knew we were here? I opened it, this time revealing the same pale, freckled face I had seen the night before. Another young boy who had to have been right around my age.

"Can I help you?" I asked, leaning heavily against the door frame.

"Yeah. I think my little brother Neil is here mowing your lawn," he replied.

"Yes, he's out around back."

"Can you tell him that dinner's almost ready and that he needs to finish up and come home?" he asked.

"Tell him yourself, backyard's right around that side of the house," I told him, pointing off to the right.

"Thanks," he snipped at me. I looked at his jeans, which were too short, revealing his sock clad ankles. His shirt was tucked in, and his hair was neatly parted to one side. This kid was the poster child for the bona fide dork foundation. I shook my head and bit back a laugh. I wondered if he actually had any friends.

"Hey Ginger, wait up," I said to him. He stopped and turned to look at me, his freckled cheeks tinged pink with anger and what I guessed was probably embarrassment. I suppose that was a little out of line on my part. I held my hands up in apology.

"Sorry, that was rude. Were you walking down the street in the middle of the night last night?"

"Maybe, what's it to you?" he shrugged.

"Why?"

"Why were you outside in the middle of the night?" he retorted. Touche.

"What's your name?" I asked him.

"None of your business." He turned his back to me and headed for the side of the house.

"Okay, that's fine, I can just call you Ginger," I called after him. He stopped once again. _Gotcha_ , I thought.

"It's Adam," he said quietly. I walked over to him.

"Adam. I'm Faira Erickson. Nice to meet you," I offered, holding my hand out. He looked at me hesitantly before taking my hand and shaking it. His palms were sweaty and I tried not to cringe.

"You too." We sized each other up for a few moments as I tried to inconspicuously wipe my hand on my shorts. I wasn't sure what it was, but I was suddenly completely intrigued by this kid.

"Well, I'd better go get my brother," he said, clearly uncomfortable with the situation.

"Alright then. Hey Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"You can stop by anytime, you know, if you ever want to hang out. I could use a friend. It sucks being the new kid in a neighborhood," I said, trying to refrain from actually using the term new kid on the block. He gave me a pathetic smile and a nod, and continued on his way, giving me no indication that he had any interest in being my friend.

"Stupid Ginger," I muttered under my breath, feeling rejected and hurt. Little did I know that afternoon that Adam Lambert would really show me what rejection truly was some day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally updating!!! It's taking me longer to get this thing started than I thought. Once again, I am not affiliated, nor do I own anyone mentioned herein that you recognize. Here's part two, enjoy! :)

**Chapter 2**

“Faira. Faira. Faira!”

A week had passed since our move and we were, for the most part settled in, with the exception of myself. While my dad and brother spent all of their free time getting the house put together, I chose to ignore my room and all other responsibility and sleep in the recliner, which in turn pissed my dad off, but he let it be. Adam had not stopped by once, nor had I seen him at all, and for some reason it deeply bothered me. I was currently sitting in the recliner from which I had hardly moved all morning, engrossed in an episode of Fear Factor while simultaneously eating Sourpatch Kids out of a movie theater sized box and ignoring my brother’s incessant attempts to get my attention.

“Faira! Are you deaf?” my brother stood in front of me and yelled, his face inches from mine.

“What Frankie? I’m trying to ignore you and you’re interrupting me!” I yelled back, shoving him out of my personal space.

“I’m missing my Nintendo, and the only boxes left that aren’t unpacked are in your room.”

“Why would I have your stupid Nintendo?”

“I don’t know, maybe because you were as much of a useless dumb ass when we were packing as you are now? One of my boxes probably got thrown in your room,” Frank said.

“Go look then,” I mumbled around a mouthful of candy, turning my attention back to the television.

“I am not doing your work for you.”

“Then I guess you don’t need your Nintendo all that bad.”

At that moment, my dad walked in, face contorted in anger. I assumed my brother and I were in for another lecture about our arguing, so I was stunned and completely caught off guard when my dad snatched the box of candy out of my hand, took the remote control, turned the TV off and threw the remote against the wall so hard that the back broke off and the batteries flew out.

“I have been more than patient with you Faira, but I have had enough. I am sick and tired of your worthlessness. Now get off your lazy ass, get in your room and get your shit unpacked, now!” my dad growled at me. Shame washed over me and I fought back tears as I got up and bolted toward my bedroom, ignoring the smug look on my brother’s face. My dad had never said anything so mean to me before, and it hurt. I took a few deep breaths and fought off the urge to cry, and then used the anger and sadness inside of me as fuel, and spent the next four hours unpacking every last box until my room was neat and organized. I snuck out quietly just long enough to set my brother’s Nintendo in front of his closed door, and returned to my room. It was early evening, and with my clothes put away, bed made, and everything else successfully intact, I flopped down onto my bed and buried my face into the pillows. I was flat out miserable, and there wasn’t a single thing I could think of that would make me feel better. I let a few tears burn their way down my cheeks, and soon drifted off to sleep.

Some time later I was woken up by the sound of knocking on my bedroom door. I wasn’t sure how long I had been asleep for, but the lack of light being cast through my window told me it had to have been after 8 pm. I sat up and dug the heels of my hands into my eyes. I could feel the crusty remnants of tears on my face.

“Faira, can I come in?” my dad asked from the other side of my closed door.

“Yes,” I replied hoarsely.

He slowly opened the door and entered my room, holding two Dairy Queen cups. “I brought a peace offering.” He moved cautiously to my bed and sat down, holding one of the cups out to me. “It’s a malt. Extra malt powder and crunchy, just the way you like it.”

“Thanks,” I replied, taking the malt. My stomach churned painfully and I had no desire to even think about tasting it.

“A peace offering for what?” I asked warily, my voice still wavering from my earlier cry-fest. My dad looked into my sad eyes and sighed. He took the malt back out of my hands and set them both on my nightstand.

“Damn it, Faira,” he mumbled before gathering me into his arms and hugging me tightly against him. “I’m so sorry for what I said to you today. It was completely uncalled for and I’d give anything to take it back,” he said sadly, stroking the side of my face.

“It’s ok,” I mumbled against his chest. “I deserved it.”

“No, no. It’s not ok. Faira, look at me,” he said, holding my face in his hands and guiding me to look at him. “I love you, and what I said was inexcusable. I don’t want you to ever think for one second that you are worthless. Do you understand me?”

I nodded. He kissed my forehead. “I just want you to be easier to get along with. This attitude problem has got to stop. And before you say anything, I’ve already talked to your brother about antagonizing you. I know this move has been hard, and every day that passes you by without a mother kills me, but I want you to put forth just a little more effort, ok?”

“Okay dad,” I agreed. He smiled at me.

“That’s my girl,” he said. He patted me on the cheek, grabbed his malt, and left my bedroom. I lay back down on my bed, and drifted back to sleep, my malt untouched and forgotten.

*******

The next morning I woke up sweaty and uncomfortable, but feeling considerably less moody. Realizing that I had slept in my clothes, I got up, took a shower, found some clean clothes to wear, and made my way into the kitchen. My dad was there washing dishes.

“Good morning,” I greeted him. 

“Morning. You want some breakfast?” he asked me.

“Sure,” I replied, realizing that I was famished.

“Good. Make it yourself,” he said as he turned to look at me, giving me a smile and a slight wink. I laughed and pulled a box of cereal from the cupboard. Maybe things would return to some normalcy after all. Once I had eaten and wasted over an hour of my day in front of the television, I decided that I needed to get out. School was starting again in three weeks, and I figured I’d better take advantage of my freedom while I had it.

“Dad, I’m going outside for a bit!” I hollered from the front door after I had brushed my teeth and slipped on a pair of sandals.

“Okay, don’t go far please!” he yelled back. I stepped outside, feeling the sun sear into my skin within seconds. I wandered out into the grass and looked up and down the street. I thought of Adam.

_“I live three houses down.”_

Adam’s little brother’s words echoed in my head. Okay. Which direction though? Then I thought of the night I caught Adam walking down the street. But was he leaving home or on his way back? I shrugged and took off to the right. I counted each house as I walked slowly, shuffling my feet on the sidewalk. When I reached house number three, I stood at the end of the driveway and stared. The house was a nice tan color, two-story, and a dark green Durango sat in the driveway. I contemplated for a moment before shrugging and making my way up to the porch. What was the worst that could happen? I had the wrong house? The porch was enclosed by a small brick wall, which was lined with an attractive garden. A swing for two sat there with fluffly, comfy looking cushions decorated with brightly colored roses. Whoever lived here had an eye for detail, that was for sure. I stepped onto the mat that lay in front of the door that read _Welcome_ , and rang the doorbell. Not more than a few moments later, the door was opened by a small, beautiful woman with dark hair and a load of clothes under one arm. A delicious, clean smell wafted out from behind her.

“Hello,” she greeted, smiling at me. I smiled back.

“Hi. Um, does Adam live here?” I asked, suddenly feeling stupid.

“He sure does. But he’s not home at the moment sweetheart,” she said with an apologetic tone in her comforting voice. My heart gave a painful tug when she called me sweetheart, and I ached for my mother for a split second.

“I can sure tell him you stopped by,” she offered.

“Oh, no. That’s ok. I’ll just come by another time,” I told her. I must have stood there longer than I thought, because she looked at me questioningly.

“Is everything ok?” she asked. I blushed, feeling completely foolish.

“Yeah, I just-”

_I just think you’re pretty and fascinating and your house smells good and I wish my mom was alive and something like you._

I shook my head. “Sorry to have bothered you,” I mumbled. I still hadn’t moved from where I stood rooted to the spot, gaping at this poor woman.

“It’s no bother. What is your name?” she asked me.

“Faira Erickson,” I answered.

“What a pretty name. Would you like to come in Faira?”

My heart leapt into my throat. “I would like that very much, thank you.”

She moved aside and I stepped into the house, inhaling deeply. The smell was like a mix of clean laundry, freshly baked pastry, and ladie’s perfume. I had no idea a house could smell so nice. The interior was as pretty as the smell and the woman herself. I followed her into the living room where she plopped the load of clothes she was carrying onto the large couch that took up half of the living room.

“I’m Adam’s mom Leila Lambert, by the way,” she said, holding her hand out. The way she smiled so warmly at me made my want to throw my arms around her and hug her. I opted to shake her hand though.

“It’s very nice to meet you,” I told her, trying my hardest to remember my manners.

“Have a seat, Faira. I’ll be right back.” She left the living room, and I sat down on the couch, which I imagined what sitting on a cloud must have felt like. Leila returned moments later, with two cans of Sprite in her hands. She offered me one.

“Do you drink soda? I‘m sorry, I guessed I should‘ve asked first.”

_Well, my brother and I drink out of two liter bottles of Coca Cola and Dr. Pepper to see who can belch louder. So yes, I drink soda_.

“This is great, thank you,” I replied, taking the Sprite. I opened the can and took small sips, reminding myself that large gulps followed by loud belching was not appreciated by everyone.

“Your house is real pretty. Like some Brady Bunch shit you see in the movies.”

Leila choked on her drink and laughed softly. I slapped a hand over my mouth, utterly mortified. So much for manners. _Should I just go ahead and burp the alphabet for her now?_

“I’m so sorry Mrs. Lambert,” I apologized.

“You can call me Leila, and it’s ok. I’ve never heard my home described quite like that before, but I’ll take it as a compliment,” she said jovially. I breathed a sigh of relief, grateful for her effort to put me at ease. “Anyhow, Adam and his brother should be home soon. I’ve just been going through some of their old clothes for donation before we get new ones for school,” she said.

_You donate clothes and buy your kids new ones for school? Will you be my mom too?_

“How do you know Adam, if you don’t mind my asking?”

“Um, I don’t really know him. Not yet anyway. I just moved into the neighborhood with my dad and brother. I met Adam last week. He came over when your other son was mowing our lawn,” I explained.

“Ah, so you’re the new neighbor,” she said.

“Did Adam tell you about me?” I asked, hopeful.

“No. Neil did.” _Damn it._

“Will you be going to West High as well?” she asked.

“Yup. 10th grade.”

“Same as Adam. I hope you two will be good friends. He’s so anti-social right now. I don’t know if it’s a phase or what,” she said, looking lost in thought. So that’s what his problem was?

“Does he not like people?” I asked. She brought up the subject, so I didn’t feel like I was crossing a boundary by asking.

“It’s not that he doesn’t like people, I think he just feels so different from everyone else, and he doesn’t bother to give anyone a chance to get to really know him. It’s gotten worse since his father and I divorced. Adam is very gifted, you see,” she explained.

“Gifted?”

“Yes. Kind of a child prodigy, if you will. He gets straight A’s in school, and musically, he is so advanced I’d bet all the money in my bank account that Julliard would take him now, no questions asked. He has the voice of an angel.”

“Wow,” I said softly, smiling at the look of pride on her face.

“I would just love for him to come out of his shell a bit. I hate the thought of him feeling like he doesn’t belong.”

“Well, don’t worry. I’ll make sure he has at least one good friend,” I told her with a reassuring smile.

“I believe you will, Faira.”

Leila and I sat in silence after that, just staring at one another. I thought about how I’d like to be as pretty as her when I grew up, and how I would love to have her sense of style and eye for decorating. A girl like me wouldn’t even know where to begin with any of that. I looked down at my ripped cut-off jeans, Beavis and Butthead T-shirt, and my grimy fingernails and felt suddenly very self- conscious. Leila was immaculately put together, dressed in a summery blouse and matching slacks. Her nails were done in an elegant French manicure, and her hair was cut and layered just above her shoulders, a rich dark brown with honey highlights framing her pretty face. I touched the frayed ends of my own long, dark hair which had been thrown hastily up into a sloppy ponytail, and I wondered if I had even remembered to brush it after my shower. My thoughts turned to Adam, and how he looked nothing like his mom. Neil did, but not Adam. Perhaps he looked like his father? Where was their father, I wondered? Was he near by? Did he move across the country? I felt so nosy, but I was naturally very curious about this family I was suddenly so smitten with.

“You said you moved here with your dad and brother. If you don’t mind my asking, is your mother around?” Leila inquired. I didn’t feel so nosy after that.

“No, she’s dead. She died four years ago,” I stated bluntly.

“Oh, Faira. I’m so sorry. For your loss, and for bringing up such a painful memory. I hope I haven‘t offended you,” Leila said, looking embarrassed.

“Not at all. It doesn’t offend me. I guess I just don’t know how to say that she’s dead with any couth. The term ‘passed away’ freaks me out. Always has. Don’t know why,” I told her, taking another sip of my Sprite.

“That’s understandable. Was she ill?”

“Yeah, she was pretty sick,” I said, not bothering to elaborate further. Leila took that as her cue to leave the subject alone.

“I was going to make Monte Cristos for lunch for the boys. Would you like to help me and stay and eat with us?” she asked me.

_What in the fuck is a Monte Cristo?_ I thought. I didn't have the first clue what that was, but I was willing to bet it beat the hell out of a can of Chef Boyardee.

“Sure,” I told her, following her into the kitchen. I happily trailed behind Leila like a loyal puppy while she gathered ingredients and pulled a large skillet out of one of the cupboards. I savored the time I spent with her as she guided me through each step of making the fancy fried sandwiches. By the time we had made two I was practically salivating. She asked me questions about myself, what my hobbies were among other things. Once the sandwiches were made, Leila cut up some fruit into a large bowl, and we set the table together. Just as I was spreading out the napkins, the front door opened and Adam, Neil, and another man stepped inside. By his light hair, pale complexion, and strong resemblance to Adam, I was guessing that he was their father.

“I hate to run, but I have to get going. Leila, I’ll be back later this week to pick the boys up for their lessons again,” the man said.

“Thanks, Eber. Boys come on, lunch is ready,” Leila replied.

“Love you boys. Be good,” the man named Eber said.

“Love you too, dad,” they replied in unison.

_That confirms that._

I stood feeling nervous and stupid; neither of them had noticed my presence. Once Leila had closed the door, she and the boys made their way toward the dining room table. “Boys, you remember our new neighbor, Faira,” she said.

Neil’s face lit up. “Hi Faira!” he greeted me happily.

“Hello,” I replied, smiling at him. I looked over to Adam, who was practically drilling a hole into my forehead with his annoyed stare. My smile faded immediately.

“Why is she here?” he asked disgustedly.

“Faira’s been helping me with lunch today. Adam, she’ll be starting school with you, you know,” Leila said, ushering her sons to the table.

“So?”

A knot formed in the pit of my stomach.

“Adam, be nice. Faira just wants to be your friend,” Leila said sharply with a warning glare in her eyes.

“And who says I want to be hers? I don’t need any friends!” Adam hollered.

“Adam Mitchell! Be more rude, please! What is wrong with you? That is not how we treat guests, or anyone for that matter! Faira, I‘m very sorry,” Leila turned from Adam to me, looking apologetic.

“No, I’m sorry. Adam made it clear already that I wasn’t welcome, and I’ve intruded. I‘ll go,” I said shamfully, tears burning my eyes. I set the napkins down and turned away from the lunch I helped make, but wouldn’t be sticking around to enjoy.

“Faira sweetheart, you’re not intruding!” Leila called after me as I bolted toward the front door. I called out a quick thank you to Leila for her hospitality, and the last thing I heard was Leila yelling at Adam before I closed the door and took off back to my house. I sat down on the lawn, burried my face in my hands and cried.

This was going to be a rough year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just say real quick that I love Leila Lambert? I simply adore her. <3 Reviews would be appreciated.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooookay, I'm still alive, and so is this story! I've just been a huge lame ass and haven't updated it in a year, and for that I do profusely apologize. I hope there is still some interest in this story as I'm certainly not done telling it! Only one small change; there is no longer a prologue. I've simply renamed the beginning wtih "Chapter One", as this portion of the story is becoming quite a bit longer than I'd anticipated. Anyhow, to those who have taken interest in my silly little tale, please read along and enjoy! :)

**Chapter 3**

“Adam, I’m hungry.”

“What else is new Faira?”

“Come on, let’s walk to 7-11.”

“Dinner will be ready soon, you don’t need to eat right now. Besides, you’re putting on a bit of weight. Do you realize that?”

_And you’re not?_ I thought. It was late October, and Adam and I were lying on my lawn, watching the sun set. The sky was casting a gorgeous orange and yellow glow over everything, and it made the fall leaves on the trees that much more prominent. To say things had changed over the last year and a half was an understatement. Adam and I were in our junior year in high school, and we were inseparable. Despite his terrible attitude upon meeting me, I persisted in trying to befriend him. He inevitably decided to tolerate me, and that blossomed into a loyal, rock steady friendship that he couldn’t deny as much as he wanted to dislike me. I managed to get right under his skin, and he adored being around me. He thought I was funny, smart, and creative, despite the fact that I was also loud, rude, and obnoxious, as he would tell me often. _“You’re the best friend I could ask for,”_ he would say to me. I, on the other hand, was in an entirely different boat.

I was head over heels in love with him.

Or at least I was pretty sure I was, what with my severe lack of experience in the love department. His personality was intoxicating to me, and I couldn’t get enough of being with him. He was far from a typical teenage boy, and I’m positive it was that fact that attracted me to him so much. I was too much of a douche to tell him how I felt, so I would just stick by his side day in and day out and hope that he would soon confess his undying love for me. 

“I’m not fat Adam,” I countered. I looked down at the baggy jeans and oversized sweatshirt I was wearing for the sole purpose of hiding the fact that I was indeed putting on some weight.

“Did I say you were fat? I just said that you’re putting on weight, and I’m sure it’s from all of our runs to 7-11. Slurpees and candy bars aren’t exactly a great diet, you know,” Adam pointed out to me.

“Yeah thanks,” I replied, my voice laced with sarcasm. 

“Don’t be mad Faira. You know I love you,” he replied. 

_I love you too. Marry me._

“Come on. Let’s go back to my house and see how close dinner is to being ready,” Adam said as he stood up and reached down to help me to my feet. We shuffled up the sidewalk and back to his house. The smell that greeted us when we walked into the house was absolutely delicious. And very familiar.

“Monte Cristos Leila?” I asked excitedly as we walked into the kitchen where Adam’s mom was cooking.

“You would be absolutely right,” she replied. I greeted her with a kiss on the cheek while she began transferring the sandwiches from the pan onto a large platter.

“Oh I’m so excited to finally try these sandwiches I was so rudely deprived of the first time!” I said happily while narrowing my eyes at Adam.

“Shut up Faira,” he replied, looking embarrassed.

“What can I say? It’s been a long time coming my friend,” I said, blowing a kiss at him.

*******

“Why aren’t you in choir?” I asked Adam as we walked side by side down the hallway of our high school. It was Halloween, and everyone was antsy because of it, myself included. Halloween was absolutely my favorite holiday and I was fully prepared for celebration, even if we were stuck with a school day.

“Because I choose not to be,” Adam replied matter-of-factly.

“That doesn’t make any sense. Your voice is phenomenal,” I told him, recalling the time I had caught him singing to himself after months of him refusing to sing to me voluntarily. 

“You sound just like my mother,” Adam muttered with a hint of exasperation in his voice. 

“You say that like it’s supposed to be a bad thing,” I said around a mouthful of Laffy Taffy.

“It wasn’t a compliment. And why do you always talk with your mouth full?” Adam shot back. 

“I don’t know. Bad habit?” I offered, smiling widely at him.

“Gross, Faira. Your mouth is all blue. What the hell are you eating?” Adam asked, shooting me a look of disgust.

“Halloween candy that I so stealthily swiped from our inventory at home,” I replied as I proudly held up the empty candy wrapper.

“Why are you so repulsive sometimes?” he asked, clearly frustrated with me.

“Why are you so stuck up?” I retorted, as I tore open a bag of peanut M&M’s and dumped the entire contents in my mouth. Adam’s face tinged a bright shade of pink that stood out horribly against his pale complexion and strawberry blonde hair. He took that as his cue not to argue further. 

“Oh, come on. You love me. Admit it,” I said teasingly, shoving my shoulder into his playfully.

“Of course I love you,” Adam said, smiling shyly. My heart fluttered happily.

*******

“Faira, we’re- correction- you, are going to be cleaning up fake spider webs until next Halloween,” my dad observed as I balanced precariously on a dining room chair to add more to the webbing to the already mass amounts I had all over the house. My after school hours had been spent adding as many last minute Halloween decorations as I could cram in, carving pumpkins, with my brother where a fight ensued with us throwing the guts at each other, and consuming every last bag of M&M’s out of our candy bowl that I could find. Adam had insisted on spending the night inside, claiming that “Halloween is for little kids”, but I wasn’t accepting that in the least. As five pm neared and the sun began to descend, I went into my bedroom and dug around in my closet for something to wear. I dug all the way to the back until I came across a garment bag that held my mother’s wedding dress. My dad had no desire to keep it around when she died, but felt it was the right thing to do to pass it on to her only daughter. There was no way in hell I was going to wear it when I got married, so I drug the monstrosity out of my closet. 

“Dad? Do you mind if I get mom’s wedding dress dirty?” I hollered across the house.

“I don’t care if you burn it! Do what you want!” he yelled back. I unzipped the garment bag and pulled the dress out. It was fitted around the waist, with a full, fluffy skirt and spaghetti straps. I ran my fingers across the embroidered beading and thought about how pretty the dress actually was. But it was tainted with horrid memories. I stripped myself down to my underwear and pulled the gown over my head. I managed to get it zipped, but not without great difficulty being that I was a bit heavier than my mother when she wore the dress.

“Holy fucking cleavage,” I muttered as I stared at the extreme push up bra effect that the dress had on me. I reached for my makeup bag and sat in front of my closet mirror where I did a piss poor job at coating my eyes in thick, black liquid liner and painted my lips a deep red. I pulled my long dark hair out of its ponytail and plucked a few pumpkin seeds from it, courtesy of mine and my brother’s earlier pumpkin guts war. I inspected myself in the mirror one last time as I stood up. Overall, I looked ridiculous.

“Perfect,” I said as I put on my filthy Doc Martins and pulled on my black leather jacket. I grabbed my backpack that I had loaded earlier and bounded out of my room. I stopped in the living room where my dad sat in his recliner watching TV.

“I’m going out,” I announced.

“Where?” he asked, not bothering to look away from the television.

“Just out. It’s Halloween!”

“Fine. But don’t be out all night. And I don’t know what’s in that backpack, but if you get escorted home by the police, I will deny that you are my child,” he said. I gaped at him incredulously. He hadn’t even looked up at me to see that I had a backpack slung over my shoulder. _How do parents do that?_ I thought. I shrugged and headed out the door. The sky was almost completely dark, and kids were out roaming the streets in costume, beginning their night of candy collecting. I observed that the majority of my neighbors had decorations and lit up pumpkins lining their driveways as I walked toward Adam’s house. I smiled happily as I heard music from various horror movies being played from the neighbor’s house across the street. The air was crisp and chilly, and I savored every moment of it. I made my way up the Lambert’s driveway, and saw two neatly carved pumpkins in front of the door. I rang the bell, and shortly after Leila opened the door with a large bowl of candy under one arm.

“Trick or treat!” I greeted her.

“Come on in you goofball,” she grinned at me. I walked in, snagging a Snickers bar from her bowl of candy as I passed. 

“Where’s my Gingersnap?” I asked, using my nick name for Adam that he would kick my ass for if he wasn’t so reserved. 

“In his room.”

I took off down the hallway and let myself through Adam’s closed door without bothering to knock. Adam looked up from whatever book he was reading and stared at me for several moments with a blank expression. “You look hideous.”

“Well it is Halloween. Now come on dork face, let’s go,” I demanded as I jumped onto his bed next to him, grabbed the book out of his hands and flung it across the room.

“Faira you jerk!” he exclaimed.

“Oh relax. Come on! Come out with me!” I demanded again. 

“Where?” he snapped as he got up off of the bed and retrieved his book from the corner.

“To the portals of the darkest dimensions of hell on this All Hallows Eve,” I replied morbidly, grinning like a maniac. 

Adam stared at me with one eyebrow raised. “You are so brain damaged. You need a life.”

“Says the nerd who’s sitting at home reading on Halloween!”

“At least I read,” Adam replied indignantly.

“Excuse me but I read thank you very much!”

“Faira, Harry Potter doesn’t count as intelligent reading to help expand the mind!”

“Bull shit! Courage, friendship, and loyalty are key components in life!” I argued. Adam shook his head. He knew that I would debate my point all night if need be. 

“Where is it that you’re wanting to go?” Adam asked. 

“Really I just want to wander the neighborhood. Maybe stop and get some Slurpees.” 

“Fine,” he grumbled, grabbing his jacket from the closet.

“Lighten up Adam! Don’t be so grouchy. Why do you always make things so miserable for yourself? It’s like you have this huge complex,” I said as I got to my feet and picked up my backpack. 

“I do not make everything miserable,” Adam replied sharply, his face flushing.

“Yes you do. You act like your face would break if you ever smiled. You think the whole world is stupid, and you never want to do anything fun. What is your problem?” I pushed on.

“Look, I don’t have a problem ok? Just leave it alone Faira for gods sakes!” Adam snapped at me, turning away. I walked over to him, pulling him around to face me. His eyes were glossed over with tears. I knew I had struck a nerve somewhere. I held my hands up in one of my infamous silent apologies. 

“Let’s just go, ok?” I asked softly.

“Okay,” Adam mumbled as he hastily swiped a hand across his eyes and put his jacket on. Something about his reaction tugged on my heartstrings. I hated seeing someone so dear to me in such turmoil. On impulse, I stepped forward and flung my arms around him and hugged him tightly. “Cheer up my friend.”

He nodded and we made our way out. Once we had said goodbye to Leila, we stepped out into the neighborhood where kids were out in full force.

“We’re not actually going trick-or-treating are we?” Adam asked me warily.

“Nah. Just terrorizing the neighborhood a bit,” I replied.

“Yeah, ok,” Adam responded sarcastically like I was joking.

*******

“You weren’t joking,” Adam said flatly as we stopped at the small park near our neighborhood later that night. He looked horrified as I reached into my backpack and procured several cartons of eggs and rolls of toilet paper.

“Do I ever lie?” I asked, looking up at him from where I was crouched down in front of my ammunition.

“You lie all the time Faira.”

“That is true,” I observed, unable to argue that fact.

“What are we doing with all of this anyway?” Adam asked, wrapping his arms around himself as a chilly breeze blew past us.

“What do you think we’re gonna do with it genius?”

“Well I know, but where?”

I looked up and pointed at a house that sat directly across the street from the park.

“Fabian’s? God I hate that kid,” Adam said.

“I know. Why do you think we’re here?” I asked. Fabian was a large, stocky kid in our grade with a bad attitude, consistently bloodshot eyes, and a five o’ clock shadow that could put my dad’s to shame, and was aptly known as the school asshole. He constantly zeroed in on Adam as his target for insults and I hated it.

“Come on, Faira. What good is this gonna do?” Adam tried to reason with me.

“None whatsoever. But it’s funny, and that’s all that counts,” I said as I stood with an arm load of toilet paper rolls and handed a carton of eggs to Adam.

“No way. I am not taking part in this,” Adam protested as he pushed the egg carton away. I heaved an annoyed sigh, dropped my ammunition, and grabbed my friend by the collar of his jacket.

“Adam Lambert! Quit being such a square and live a little!” I shouted at him, my face just inches from his. He looked offended and shrugged out of my grasp.

“I’m not this stuck up little bitch that you make me out to be Faira!” he yelled back at me. I simply handed him a roll of toilet paper.

“Then prove it.”

Adam snatched the roll from me and stalked towards Fabian’s house. I let out an excited squeal as I grabbed more toilet paper and the carton of eggs and followed Adam.

“Toilet paper first. It’s quieter,” I instructed. I watched with great amusement as Adam wasted no time in flinging the roll of toilet paper over the large oak tree in the front yard, sending a white streamer across its expanse. I began draping toilet paper across the rest of the yard, and once we had covered the entire front of the property in ass wipe, I held up the carton of eggs. “And now for the piece de resistance.”

We each grabbed a handful of eggs. “Get ready to run, Gingersnap.”

“Go to hell.”

I laughed and counted to three, and we launched our attack. The eggs splattered against the house with deafening thuds, and I couldn’t believe no one had come to the door yet. That was until I launched an egg so hard at one of the bay windows that it broke right through and shattered one of the panes of glass. A light turned on immediately followed by a male voice bellowing a hearty “What the fuck?”

“Run!” I yelled as I grabbed my backpack and held the front of my dress up with one hand. 

Adam and I took off at the speed of lightning and ran until we reached our street, collapsing on the sidewalk and gasping for breath. 

“Oh my god. That was awful,” Adam said in between heaving breaths. We looked at each other and burst into laughter.

“I’m so proud of you! I knew you had it in you to do something bad!” I said triumphantly. “Admit it. That was awesome!”

“Ok, it was kind of fun,” Adam relented after a few moments.

“More like a lot fun! Come on. I’ll buy you a Slurpee at 7-11. My treat.”

We walked down to the corner convenience store and picked up our frozen drinks along with a few snacks. I sipped happily at my blue raspberry Slurpee as we made our way back down our street. 

“You know, I actually don’t want to go home for once,” Adam sighed as we neared our houses.

“Then don’t. Come on,” I told him. We continued to walk up the street, where things were finally quiet under the yellow glow of the streetlamps. Houses were dark, pumpkins had their candles extinguished, and Halloween was officially ending for the year. At the end of our block was a small apartment complex with a vast amount of lush grass and flowers around the front of the property. I flopped down on the grass, and Adam followed suit, lowering himself into a sitting position much more gracefully than I. 

“Thanks for actually coming out with me tonight instead of sitting at home like a loser,” I said to him, grinning.

“Oh, shut it Faira. You know, you really do look horrid with that lipstick and eyeliner. You look like a three year old who got into her mother’s makeup bag,” Adam said.

“Hey, it’s not my fault that I don’t know how to put makeup on,” I huffed indignantly.

“I’m not faulting you,” Adam replied as he produced a clean tissue from his jacket pocket.

“Seriously? Do you carry around one of those stupid little pocket packs of Kleenex?” I asked, thoroughly amused as I tackled Adam and pulled the packet of tissue from his pocket.

“You so are a nerd!” I yelled, laughing and holding it above his head as he tried to swipe for it. “I bet you totally have hand sanitizer in your other pocket!”

“Well it’s better than wiping my nose on my sleeve like you probably do!” he shouted in frustration as he grabbed my arm and pried the tissue pack from my hand.

“Touche,” I relented.

“Hold still,” Adam commanded. He leaned in and held my chin gently with one hand and used the other to bring the tissue to my lips and wipe away the red lipstick. 

“There, much better,” he said softly. His face was in such close proximity with mine that it made my breath hitch. And it was at that moment as I was staring into his lake blue eyes that I acted on pure impulse and closed the gap between us as I pressed my lips firmly against his. He sat motionless with my lips on his for about five seconds before he pulled away and gaped at me with a mixture of shock and confusion on his face.

“What?” I asked frantically, assuming he would have enjoyed himself. He backed away from me, his face red, and I tried to move with him.

“Faira, please don’t,” he pleaded desperately as he gently pushed me away from him.

“Adam, I love you,” I blurted out.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. Faira, you’re my best friend, ok? But I don’t have those feelings for you. I- I’ve gotta go. I’m sorry-,” he rambled as he stood and began to walk away from me at a rapid pace. If I wasn’t in such a state of shock over the events that had just transpired, I would have gone after him, but I just sat there on my knees in the grass, in a wedding dress no less, and watched the one that I loved walk away. I just hoped I hadn’t permanently damaged our friendship. 

*******

“I don’t get it Frankie,” I said that night as I fell back and sprawled out on my on my brother’s bed. I was still dressed in the wedding gown that was now dirty, grass stained and torn along the bottom, and I was pretty sure I had mass amounts of eyeliner running down my face due to a run in with some sprinklers on my walk home.

“Get what?” my brother asked from where he was sitting on the floor playing one of his Nintendo games.

“I kissed Adam tonight. He wasn’t too happy about it,” I said, staring at the ceiling.

“So? You’re surprised?”

“Well, he tells me he loves me. What’s wrong with me?”

My brother let out a loud laugh. “Fair, you are so naïve. For one thing you look so goddamn ridiculous I don’t even know how he could stand to be seen with you tonight. And for another, well, of course he doesn’t want to kiss you,” my brother said matter-of-factly.

“And what makes you so sure of that?” I asked, sitting up.

Frank turned to look at me with an amused smirk. “I swear you’re so stupid sometimes.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I demanded.

“Nothing. Just, nothing. You’ll figure it out some day,” he said before returning back to his video game. “Now get out of my room. I can’t even stand to look at you.”

“Eat shit and die,” I muttered as I exited my brother’s room. 

“Love you too sis!” he called after me. I stalked into the bathroom where I stripped out of the dress and threw it in the corner. I turned the shower on as hot as I could stand it, washed my dirty hair, and scrubbed my face with a washcloth until it felt raw. As I dried off and put my pajamas on, the situation began to really sink in, and I felt humiliated. Why would Adam reject me? We were attached at the hip. Sure, I was no beauty queen, but I wasn’t completely unfortunate looking. He was always telling me that he loved me. I just didn’t get it. I threw my wet hair up into a half assed ponytail without bothering to brush it. Tears stung my eyes as the weight of the embarrassment I was feeling crushed me. I gathered up the wedding dress and tiptoed toward my dad’s room. Once I peeked inside and made sure that he was asleep, I went into the kitchen and grabbed a book of matches from the top of the refrigerator and made my way outside. I threw the dress in the middle driveway, lit the entire book of matches on fire, and tossed it right on top of the gown. I crouched down and watched as the fabric quickly caught fire, the flames melting and twisting the silk and tulle, turning it from glowing embers into ash. I swiped angrily at my eyes as a few tears burned their way down my cheeks.

“What is this? You having a celebratory bonfire for making a complete ass out of yourself?” my brother asked, laughing as he stepped outside. Furious, I stood up and charged him. I rammed him right in the solar plexus with my left shoulder and knocked up backwards. Stunned and caught off guard, he looked at me with wide eyes as he tried to catch his breath.

“You crazy bitch!”

“Leave me alone Frank!” I hollered at him, my fists balled up at my sides. My brother picked up one of our patio chairs and launched it at me. I dodged it easily, and he went back into the house, mumbling a multitude of profanities under his breath. Why was everything consistently such a mess?

*******

The next couple of weeks proved to be difficult for Adam and me. I had crossed a line and thrown a wrench into our friendship that I hoped could be removed someday. We were civil, but things were extremely awkward. Adam was very obviously distancing himself from me. We continued to hang out with the small group of friends we’d made through the year, eating lunch with them and walking home with them from school. One of our friends, a girl named Amber, perplexed me a bit. She was as sweet as pie, never had anything bad to say about anyone, but she truly rubbed me the wrong way for some reason. I noticed that she had begun to hang out with Adam a bit more closely than I liked, always finding ways to touch him. Her high-pitched voice bothered me a great deal, among other things. I found myself staring and analyzing her as we all sat at lunch one day and she chattered away. I watched as she opened her mouth widely and laughed. Her two front teeth were abnormally large, and she reminded me of a gopher. To make matters worse, one of her teeth sported a small brown stain, and I couldn’t help but wonder how she had acquired that. 

_Stop it, Faira,_ I scolded myself as I realized how harshly I was judging her. 

“So does that sound ok?” I heard her ask, having missed the entire conversation since I was too preoccupied with criticizing her.

“Does what sound ok?” I asked. Everyone stared at me like I was brain-dead.

“She wasn’t talking to you, moron,” Brandon, one of our friends said to me. I glared at him, feeling stupid.

“It’s ok. I was just asking Adam if he wanted to come over and watch a movie with me. It’s nothing you’d be interested in, sweetie,” Amber told me. The way she addressed me made me want to punch her oversized teeth into the back of her throat, and I’m sure it was written all over my face. Brandon unsuccessfully tried to bite back a laugh. In return I kicked him in the shin as hard as I could under the table. He was a bad as my damn brother.

“Um, yeah that’s fine,” Adam responded to Amber quietly. My blood boiled as jealousy raged through me. And so it was that I watched Adam and Amber walk off in a separate direction after school that day while I turned down our street alone. Things in my world got even worse as I watched in horror as Adam asked Amber out and they took off hand in hand a week later. 

*******

“Faira, wait up!” I heard someone call out to me as I was walking home from school by myself once again. My brother had been surprisingly nice enough to offer me a ride, but I refused, choosing instead to wallow in self pity as I shuffled home. It was the Wednesday afternoon before Thanksgiving break, and I was just as confused and miserable as ever. I turned to see Neil jogging to catch up to me. He was in his freshman year at our school, with his own flock of friends and too full of an agenda to really spend much time with us. 

“What are you doing? Don’t you usually have some kind of sports every day after school?” I asked him as he fell into stride beside me. 

“Nah, not today. Holidays,” he explained. “Where’s my brother? Off with his rodent faced girlfriend?”

I let out a loud laugh. “Yeah. I don’t get it Neil. I mean, if you like someone you like someone, but they just seem, I don’t know. Not right together.”

 

“They’re not. She’s a total joke,” Neil said. He looked thoughtful for a moment and then smirked. “Adam told me you kissed him.”

I’m sure my face turned several shades of red. “He did?”

“Yeah. Don’t be embarrassed. My brother is a complete tool bag. It should be you.”

I looked and him, confused. “What?”

“Come on Faira. You’re pretty, smart, and funny as hell. Amber’s an idiot. I don’t know what the fuck he’s thinking,” Neil said. I looked at the ground as an embarrassed smile crept across my face.

“I wouldn’t worry about it anyway. She’s like an artificial sweetener. They’ll never last,” he told me with such conviction that it gave me a tiny spark of hope. That hope vanished as quickly as it came. Even if Adam and Amber didn’t last, his words still echoed in my mind. 

_I don’t have those feelings for you._

*******

The following morning I woke up around nine am to the delicious smell of turkey roasting in the oven. I pulled myself out of bed and shuffled groggily into the kitchen where my dad and brother stood at the counter cutting up vegetables.

“Good morning sweetheart. Get to work,” my dad greeted me as he pointed to a bag of potatoes.

“Happy Thanksgiving to you too,” I grumbled as I dug through our utensil drawer for the potato peeler.

“Don’t be moody Faira,” my dad warned.

“Ah, she’s just pissed off because her little boyfriend is off sucking face with some other bimbo,” my brother said jovially.

“You dick!” I shouted as I hurled the potato peeler at Frank’s head. 

“Enough! I will not have this holiday ruined by you two! Faira, I swear to you I will put you in anger management if you keep doing that kind of crap! Keep it up!” my dad challenged me.

“Frank threw a patio chair at me! A fucking patio chair!” I protested.

“Like you didn’t deserve it!” my brother replied defensively. 

“Alright alright, time out! For once will you two please knock this shit off? If for no one else then for me?” my dad pleaded angrily. My brother and I shut our mouths, but I continued to sulk silently. By late afternoon and with dinner almost ready, I cleaned myself up and slumped into one of our dining room chairs. I had myself convinced that I had no appetite, but when my dad brought over a platter loaded with steaming, freshly cut turkey from the oven, my stomach growled loudly.

 

“Would one of you charming young kids like to pretend to be respectable and say grace?” my dad asked as he took his seat at the table. I felt offended, but my brother and I proved dad’s point as we each looked at one another and then at the floor.

“I guess I will then. Hold hands,” he ordered. I fought off the urge to roll my eyes and begrudgingly grasped my dad and brother’s hands. My brother dug the sharp edges of his nails into my palm.

“Frank, I swear I will stab your hand with my fucking fork! Do it again!” I threatened, grabbing my fork and aiming it at him for emphasis. My dad yanked the fork from my balled up fist, went red in the face, pinched the bridge of his nose, and silently counted backward from ten. 

“Sorry,” my brother and I said at the same time without having to be asked to apologize for once.

“Thank you,” my dad muttered between clenched teeth. We held hands again and bowed our heads.

“Dear Lord, we sit here humbly on this holiday as we give thanks for our blessings.”

_And please let Adam and Amber break up,_ I thought.

“Lord please bless this food before us for the nourishment of our bodies.”

_And please let Adam and Amber break up._

“Forgive us of our sins and help us to always see the good in others.”

_And please let Adam and Amber break up._

“We ask these things in Jesus’ name, Amen.”

_Aaaaaand, please let Adam and Amber break up._

“Amen,” my brother and I mumbled in unison. I wasted no time in loading my plate with food. I ate every last bite and helped myself to seconds. As I shoveled food into my mouth, I thought about Adam and his family three houses down, most likely sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner right about the same time as us. Was Amber there? Had he brought her home to meet mom? Did Leila even like her? My blood boiled and I suddenly felt very territorial as I thought about her bonding with Adam’s mother whom I cherished so deeply. 

“Faira. Faira!”

“Huh?” I asked stupidly, looking up at my dad.

“Come on, let’s get this table cleaned up.”

I looked down at my empty plate and realized that I had completely lost track of time while I was in my own twisted la la land. I got up and helped with the arduous task of washing and drying the dishes and putting leftovers into Tupperware containers. I had a horrible anxious feeling in the pit of stomach that I couldn’t seem to ease no matter how many deep breaths I took or how much I tried to relax. Without saying a word to anyone, I headed out of my front door and walked briskly down to the Lambert residence. I heard voices and laughter coming from within the house as I nervously rang the doorbell. As usual, I was greeted by Leila’s beautiful smiling face.

“Hi Faira, Happy Thanksgiving!” she greeted me happily as she hugged me. “I was hoping we’d see you at some point today. We were just getting ready for dessert. Come in!”

“I appreciate that, but no thank you. I actually just came to see if Adam was available for a moment,” I said, feeling rude and embarrassed. 

“Of course sweetie. Adam! Faira’s here for you!” she shouted into the house. She gave me a small wave goodbye as Adam came to the door and stepped out past her. He joined me on the porch, and we stared at each other uncomfortably for several moments.

“Hi,” I said quietly.

“Hey,” he replied dryly. Wow, this is awkward, I thought.

“I uh, just came to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving,” I said lamely. Why did I feel so foolish?

“Thanks. You too. Is that it?” he asked me.

And with that, something inside of me snapped. “Yeah, Adam that’s it,” I growled venomously as I turned and began to walk away. 

“Why are you so angry Faira? What’s your problem?” Adam asked, almost seemingly out of obligation.

_“You_ are my problem!” I turned and shouted, pointing my finger at him and trying desperately to keep the tears of anger that were threatening at bay.

“Me?” he asked.

“Yes, Adam. You. You’ve made me feel so insignificant and stupid for the last month! Look, I’m sorry I kissed you, okay? If I could take it back, believe me I would, because had I’d known that it would ruin our friendship I would have never crossed that line!” I yelled as my eyes continued to fill with tears. 

“I don’t think that this is about the kiss. I think you might just be a bit jealous of Amber,” Adam replied softly in such a therapist like manner that it made my vision go red.

“Please! Don’t flatter yourself, or her for that matter! I don’t like you with her for my own selfish reasons, I admit, but it’s not even about her at this point! I’ve all but lost my best friend!” I yelled, on the verge of hysterics.

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” he said after a long pause. I could have strangled him.

“Go to hell, Adam. You just don’t get it, and you obviously never will, so you know what? Forget it. I hope you’re happy with your sewer rat of a girlfriend,” I spat at him, walking away and leaving him with such a lost and disturbed look on his face that it was the only reason I was able to get any sleep that night. My brain was on autopilot, and I couldn’t even muster up a coherent thought when my dad presented me with the wishbone from the turkey, a time honored tradition in our household. 

_I wish I had a reason to make a wish._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally another update! I hope you are all enjoying reading as much as I'm enjoying writing! A small warning for this chapter: there is the use of a few derogatory terms that some may find offensive. They are used solely for the entertainment purpose of this story, and in no way reflect how I feel, nor do I condone their use in real life. If you are easily offended, you have been properly warned! Otherwise proceed and enjoy. :)

**Chapter 4**

The familiar strains of David Bowie and Bing Crosby’s “Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth” came from the stereo, and I sang along quietly as I poured a pot full of melted chocolate over a wax paper lined cookie sheet. It was just a few days before Christmas, we were out of school, my favorite Christmas song was on, and I was making peppermint bark. I played the part of being calm and content well, but on the inside I was miserable. Adam and I hadn’t spoken once since that horrible thanksgiving night. Our parents were worried about us and felt helpless, I knew, especially Leila. Her and I had become very bonded, due to my motherless status. I had attached myself to her very closely. She had stopped by earlier in the day, where she had painted my nails and expressed how much she missed me coming around. She also made her distaste for Amber very clear, which amused me greatly. I looked down at the red and green striped polish on my fingernails and cursed my mother for the millionth time for not caring enough about her family. I sighed and dismissed the thought as I continued my task of smoothing the milk chocolate out into a flat layer. 

“Peppermint bark? Hell yeah!” my brother shouted from behind me all of a sudden as he swiped his finger across my perfectly executed layer of chocolate, creating a large indentation. 

“Damn it Frank!” I yelled as I slapped his hand with a deafening crack. He left the kitchen laughing, and I scowled as I tried to smooth the large dent back out. Once I had finished with a layer of white chocolate and crushed up candy cane and let it set, I broke it up into pieces and arranged it in a nice dish. I was restless and I had no clue what to do with myself. The distance between Adam and I was killing me, and I couldn’t stand it any longer. I put some of the peppermint bark into a plastic bag and walked over to our DVD collection and pulled out Home Alone 2. Then I put my shoes and coat on and walked down to Adam’s house with a new determination. I refused to let our friendship go down like this. Just as I stepped onto the driveway, the door opened and Adam stepped outside. He looked up at me with the expression of a deer caught in the headlights.

“Hey,” he said to me.

“Hello,” I replied slowly, as if making any sudden movement would frighten him. We stood in silence for several moments, staring at one another. _Uncomfortable_ … 

“Were you leaving?” I asked finally.

“Yes. I was actually coming to see you,” he replied. My heart fluttered with hope. “But since you’re here, you wanna come in?”

“I would love that.”

I followed Adam into the house where he led me to the empty living room.

“Whatcha got?” he asked me, pointing to the items in my hand. I held up the candy and the DVD.

“Snacks. And it just never quote feels like Christmas until I watch a Home Alone movie.”

Adam smiled as he took the movie from my hands and popped it into the DVD player. We sat on the sofa, keeping a respectable amount of distance between us. I had a hard time concentrating on the movie, because there was still a considerable amount of tension hanging in the air. Just when I thought I couldn’t tolerate it any more, Adam paused the movie and turned to me.

“Listen Faira, I want to apologize for the way I’ve treated you for the last month. I haven’t been a very good friend, and I’m so sorry,” he said to me. I was pretty sure I heard a hallelujah chorus singing from somewhere in the heavens. 

“It’s ok Adam,” I told him reassuringly. 

“I broke up with Amber.”

The hallelujah chorus sang even louder.

“I’m sorry,” I replied even though I was celebrating inside.

“Don’t be. That whole thing was doomed from the start,” he said dismissively. Then he looked at me with sad eyes.

“I just- please promise me something Faira,” he pleaded quietly. 

“Anything.”

“That no matter what happens, you’ll never leave my side. You are my best friend and I don’t think I could stand it if you ever abandoned me,” he nearly whispered. I looked at him with worry and confusion.

“Adam, why would you ever think that I would abandon you?”

“Just please promise?” he begged.

“I’ll never leave you. I promise,” I told him. I scooted next to him, took his hand in mine, and interlaced our fingers together. 

“Good,” he said, sounding somewhat relieved. He resumed the movie and we settled back in next to each other. I lay my head on his shoulder, and he rested his head on top of mine. 

“I missed you,” he said softly.

“I missed you too, Gingersnap,” I replied. Adam tightened his grip on my hand and kissed my temple. We ate candy and immersed ourselves in the movie, feeling lighter and happier, but I could tell that Adam was still dealing with an inner demon on a much deeper level, and I had no clue what it was or how to help him.

*******

It didn’t take long for me to get the answers I was seeking, and I certainly wasn’t expecting what I was about to hear. Mine and Adam’s birthdays were just fourteen days apart, with mine being on the 15th of January and his being on the 29th. Our families had a small combined celebration for the two of us with dinner and cake and a few gifts for each of us. A few days before Adam’s birthday, Leila took him out, just the two of them. Later that night I received a phone call from her, asking if I would come over for a few minutes. I wasted no time in making my way over to their house. Leila was already there standing in the open doorway, waiting for me. She looked a bit weary, but content as I approached her.

“Come in, sweetheart,” she said as she put her arm around me and guided me into the living room where Adam had himself curled up into one of the farthest corners of the couch, his legs tucked up underneath him. He looked absolutely terrified.

“Have a seat,” Leila told me. I lowered myself onto the other end of the couch as she sat down next to her son, placing a protective arm around him.

“What’s going on?” I asked, unable to keep the uneasiness out of my voice.

“Adam,” Leila coaxed him, giving him a small nudge. He sighed heavily before looking up at me with wet eyes.

“Faira, there’s a reason why I broke up with Amber. I knew I didn’t want to be with her from the get go. I kind of used her as a guinea pig, if you will, and it was wrong of me,” he began. 

_Yes, she’s a pig all right,_ I agreed silently. 

“But I just couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t put you in that position and risk losing you for good. You mean too much to me,” Adam rambled nervously. Was he dying or something? 

“Put me in what position? You’re freaking me out here,” I said, thoroughly confused.

“Trying to date you when it’s wrong. Faira, I’m gay,” Adam said. 

Silence. Confusion. Tension. 

_Did he just tell me that he’s gay?_

“Are you disgusted?” Adam asked me fearfully. 

“Disgusted, no. A bit disappointed, yes,” I replied, chewing my bottom lip.

“It’s ok. I understand,” Adam whispered, looking down. I watched as he blinked, sending a large tear sliding down his cheek. It dripped from his face to his shirt, darkening the fabric where it landed. I snapped out of my stunned state.

“Oh, Adam,” I said as I got up and sat back down next to him where Leila had moved to make room for me. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly. “I’m not disappointed in you because you’re gay. I’m disappointed for myself because that takes me out of the equation of ever being your one and only.”

Adam let out a watery laugh. “Trust me Faira. If I wasn’t, you know, like this, it probably would be you.”

“You mean gay? Just say it Adam. Own it,” I told him. Adam hugged me again.

“You’re amazing you know that? I’m so lucky to have a friend like you,” he mumbled into my shoulder.

“Adam, you’re amazing. And don’t ever let anyone make you feel otherwise,” I said, placing my hand affectionately on the side of his face, wiping away a stray tear with my thumb. He smiled and let out a quivering sigh.

“You have no idea how good it feels to get that out in the open,” he said exhaustedly.

“I told you, you had nothing to worry about with Faira, Adam,” Leila said. I felt her run a hand softly through my hair, and I closed my eyes, loving the comforting feel of it. 

“Of course not. I’m with you Adam. Through thick and thin.”

*******

I walked home in a slight daze later that night, still digesting the information that had just been thrown at me. I didn’t have a problem with Adam being gay, I was just confused by it. But the one thing I was sure of was that I would protect him from the ignorance of the world until my dying day. When I stepped inside my house, I took my coat off and held it out.

“Don’t even think about it. Go hang it up,” my dad said to me as he walked passed before I even had a chance to loosen my grip enough to drop my coat on the floor. I sighed in frustration and hung my coat up in the hall closet. I walked into my brother’s room and plopped down in the floor in front of him, where he sat at his bed, his guitar propped in his lap as he played the chords to Metallica’s “Fade to Black” flawlessly. 

“I love it when you play Metallica,” I commented as he finished the last few notes.

“What’s the matter with you? You look you don’t know your head from your ass,” my brother stated. I ignored his latter comment.

“Adam’s gay,” I blurted out.

“No shit,” Frankie said nonchalantly, strumming a few lines of “Cemetery Gates”.

“You knew?” I asked, looking up at him in bewilderment. “Did he tell you?”

“Of course I knew, dipshit. And no, he didn’t tell me. It was pretty fucking obvious. You would have seen it too had you not been too blind to see past your own lovesickness,” Frankie said. I sat and thought about it for a moment, and realized that my brother was right.

“Does it bother you Frankie?” I asked him.

“I may be an asshole, but I’m not a narrow minded bigot, Faira. Now get out of here,” he said, shooing me away with his hand.

“Nice talking to you too. You really are a prick,” I mumbled, flipping him off as I exited his room, slamming the door behind me. I went straight into my bedroom, changed into my pajamas, and curled up in bed as I slowly began to accept what was.

*******

Adam and I walked down the hallway at school, and all was right between us again, aside from the fact that him professing his undying romanticized love for me was just not going to happen. I couldn’t lie; that bummed me out. A lot. I was getting used to the situation and adjusting just fine though. Adam seemed happier and much less on edge, and for that I was truly grateful. He laughed at my idiotic banter as we stopped at his English class, where we had to part ways.

“I’ll see you at lunch,“ I told him as I turned to make my way to algebra, or in my case, nap time. I had barely taken three steps when I heard the comment.

“Hey fag hag.”

I closed my eyes and felt my blood pressure skyrocket. I turned around. Fabian.

“The fuck did you just say to me?” I asked menacingly as I stalked toward him. He was leaning casually against the lockers, his face smug.

“You heard me, bitch. Turns out your little friend is a raging homose-“

And suddenly my books were on the ground and my fist was flying before he could even finish the word. I felt the satisfying crunch of bone against bone as my knuckles connected with Fabian’s jaw. He held his face and stared at me wide-eyed, completely caught off guard. I seized my opportunity and shoved him against the lockers. 

“Don’t you EVER say anything about him again or I swear I will fucking kill you!” I yelled at him as I stood on my tip toes and shoved my entire forearm into his neck. “Who told you, asshole?”

“My god, Fabian. Are you seriously getting your ass kicked by a girl? Come on, man up! We already have one sorry queer at this school,” a female voice said. My temper didn’t just flare, it exploded as I turned around.

“You,” I growled. “It was you!”

I left Fabian to nurse his jaw and headed straight for Amber. The smile fell from her face as I shoved the heel of my hand into her nose, causing blood to poor from it instantly. She cried out loudly as she held her hands up to her nose in a futile attempt to catch all of the blood. Amber began to cry, Fabian was swearing loudly, several kids were laughing and chanting the word “fight!” and authority was making its ugly way quickly toward the situation. And amidst all of the chaos, I caught sight of Adam standing about ten feet away, clutching his books tightly to his chest.

He looked utterly crushed.

“No,” I choked out desperately, a feeling of devastation overwhelming me as the realization hit that Adam had just witnessed the whole disaster. He’d heard his name being dragged through the mud, and he’d never be able to un-hear it. The damage was done.

“Miss Erickson! Principal’s office, now!” the dean bellowed as he approached the scene with a hall monitor, whom he instructed to take Amber and Fabian to the nurse.

“I’m so sorry,” I mouthed silently to Adam as the dean ushered me away.

*******

“I don’t know how you do things at home, but we are not running a boxing establishment here, Miss Erickson!” Principal Lazato scolded me as I slumped in the chair in front of his desk. I watched with disinterest as he made out a list of my infractions. 

“I should be suspending you, but I think we can get a away with an RPC this time,” he droned on. I rolled my eyes behind closed lids.

“I hope you are aware of the severity of your actions today, and I suggest you get your anger in check,”

Principal Lazato continued to blather on about consequences and parental phone calls, but it was all lost on me as I looked out of his office window and saw Adam walk out of the school counselor’s office.

“Adam,” I said as I bolted from the chair. “Adam wait!” I called out as I ran after him.

“Miss Erickson! We are not done here! I will suspend you!” Principal Lazato hollered at me as he rose from his chair.

“I don’t give a shit! Expel me!” I shouted back at him over my shoulder as I ran to catch up with Adam. He had taken off at such a quick pace that we were off the school grounds before I caught up to him; the office staff yelling after the both of us all the while.

“Adam, stop!” I panted as I grabbed his shoulder and spun him around to face me. His eyes were wild and he took on the look of a caged animal.

“Faira, let me go! Please, I am begging you, just this once, let me go!” he pleaded with me with such desperation that I had no choice but to comply with his request. I stood and stared after him as he took off for several minutes before I began to make my way slowly down the sidewalk, dragging my feet. I was hurt and angry about what had happened; I couldn’t imagine how Adam must’ve been feeling. School wasn’t supposed to let out for another three hours, and after about an hour of wandering around aimlessly, I gave it up and went home. My dad should have still been at work, so I nearly choked when I walked through the door and was greeted by his livid expression. 

“I got a really nice phone call from the school about an hour ago. You have got to be kidding me Faira Nicole! Fighting wasn’t enough? You had to ditch school too? Grounded. Three weeks!” he yelled.

“Fine,” I replied listlessly as I headed toward my bedroom. My dad followed right behind me. 

“This conversation is not over! What were you thinking young lady? My guess is you weren’t!” he hollered as I dropped my backpack and flopped down face first onto my bed. “You had better start talking right now or I will ground you for the rest of the school year and the summer!”

“I don’t care! Ground me for the rest of my life! But I’m not sorry for what I did, and I’d do it again!” I exploded, sitting up and challenging my dad with my eyes, which were stinging with unshed tears.

“Explain yourself,” my dad ordered, arms crossed and still looking stern , but obviously willing to hear my point.

“Dad, Adam’s gay. Some kids at school found out, and today after I dropped Adam off at his English class, one of them called me a fag hag. They called Adam a queer, and, I don’t know. I just lost it. But the worst part if was that Adam witnessed the whole thing. He was so heartbroken,” I said through a strained voice as tears burned their way down my cheeks. My dad stared at me as he searched for his next words. He sat down next to me and sighed heavily.

“I had no idea. Why didn’t you tell me that he’s gay?” he asked me.

“Does it matter?”

“Well of course it doesn’t matter, but he is your best friend and I figured you’d let me know something like this.”

I shrugged and picked at a loose thread on my comforter. “Now you know.”

“Well that changes things, I suppose. Physical violence is not ok under any circumstances, and you know better. But standing up for someone you love is a commendable act of integrity in my book. One week on restriction, and after that you watch yourself young lady. Understood?”

“Yes,” I mumbled.

“I’ll go get an ice pack for that,” he said, motioning to my hand. I looked down at my knuckles that were turning purple and realized for the first time how badly they hurt. I supposed with all the adrenaline in my system I hadn’t paid any attention to that. As soon as my dad came back, he wrapped my hand with an ace bandage and plopped a Ziplock bag full of ice on it. Once he left my room, I lay back down and fell asleep.

*******

“Hey! HEY! Wake your ass up!”

I cringed as I heard my brother’s voice ringing through my ears. I knew I hadn’t been asleep for long, but it had been long enough for me to drool all over the arm that I been laying on. I wiped my cheek and twisted my aching neck around to see my brother and Neil standing in my room. My brother was about four inches from my face, staring at me with a maniacal grin. 

“Get away from me,” I growled at him, shoving him backward. 

“Come on! Wake up Mike Tyson!” he continued to shout. 

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. “What are you doing in here?”

“Well, I just came to uh, thank you for what you did today,” Neil said dumbly.

“No thanks necessary, please. It wasn’t that great,” I replied.

“Wasn’t that great? Faira, you completely dislocated Fabian’s jaw and broke Amber’s nose!” my brother yelled gleefully. I rubbed at my forehead as I sat up and tried to clear the sleep induced fog that was still clouding my brain.

“That wasn’t my intention. I just wanted them to shut their fucking mouths,” I mumbled as I thought about whether they would try me as a juvenile or an adult. Prison colors wouldn’t look very good on me, I decided.

“Hey. You did exactly what any of us that love Adam would have done had we been there, so thank you,” Neil said as he leaned in and gave me a quick, awkward hug.

“Yeah, my sister’s a bad ass,” Frank added proudly.

“Okay, just- go away now. I’m tired,” I told them, not wanting to rehash the day any further. I buried myself back into my comforter as they exited my room and tried to go back to sleep. I managed to doze back off, but it was restless, and I was awoken by multiple voices I the living room. I got up and wandered into the living room to see what the commotion was, and it was Leila’s frantic voice talking to my dad that caught my attention.

“She actually came home early,” my dad was saying to Leila.

“I wonder why Adam wouldn’t be with her then?” Leila questioned anxiously. Clearly no one had spoken to her about what had happened. 

“It’s ok. I know where he is,” I said as I pushed my way past my brother and Neil and entered the living room. Everyone turned and looked at me.

“Oh thank god. Do you know why he didn’t come home?” Leila asked me. I looked down at the floor and sighed heavily before meeting her eyes.

“Amber blabbed to everyone at school that Adam’s gay. Long story short, they called me a fag hag and made fun of Adam. I got so angry and I apparently dislocated a guy’s jaw and broke Amber’s nose. I didn’t think Adam had heard any of it, but then I saw him standing there and realized he’d witnessed the whole thing. He looked so, crushed,” I said sadly. Leila brought a hand to her mouth and her eyes glistened with tears.

“Where is he?” she whispered.

“Dad?” I asked, looking over at him and questioning him with my eyes. He simply nodded.

“I’ll go get him and bring him home,” I assured Leila as I grabbed my fleece sweater from the arm of the couch. She smiled at me and I watched as a few tears fell from her eyes, causing small black rivers on her face as they took her mascara with them. I hugged her and she held me close. I inhaled the soft scent of her perfume and my heart clenched painfully as I thought of my mother, as I always did when I was around Leila.

“Thank you sweetheart,” she said softly, caressing the side of my face gently. I fought off the urge to cry. Instead I forced a smile and headed out the door. I jogged down the street and to the apartment complex at the end of our block that Adam and I frequented. Sure enough, I found him propped up against the oak tree that sat in the middle of the grass. 

“Go away Faira,” Adam said as he heard me approach.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” I replied as I plopped down next to him. “I’m really sorry about what happened today Adam.”

He snorted. “Why are you sorry? You didn’t make me gay.”

I bit my lip as I thought about the slew of inappropriate things my brother would say in reply to that particular comment. “You know what I mean when I say I’m sorry. Don’t be stupid.”

“You’re giving me your condolences, right? Feeling sorry for the poor little gay kid being picked on at school? Well spare me. I don’t need your pity. And while I’m at it, I don’t need your bodyguard services either,” Adam said angrily. 

“That’s not what I meant either!” I cried defensively.

“Seriously Faira, just go home!” Adam snapped, turning to glare at me.

“Okay. Go home and leave you here so you can sit and feel sorry for yourself all evening? I’m not doing it Adam!” I yelled harshly. Adam looked hurt and caught off guard.

“I hate what happened today. I hate that you got hurt. But please don’t let this defeat you. Fuck Amber and Fabian, and anyone else that wants to run their big mouth. Anyone who matters is gonna love you regardless of how you feel,” I said, softening my tone. Adam looked lost in thought. “Besides, what do you care what some buck toothed bitch and eight foot neanderthal moron who probably can’t even wipe his own ass think of you? You’re amazing in every way possible, so act like it,” I continued on.

“You know, that was almost touching, Faira,” Adam said as he let out a small laugh. Then he stared off into space for a long time, and we sat in silence. He finally turned and looked at me, his eyes glassy. 

“Do you think things are always gonna be this way for me?” he asked softly. I felt my heart drop, and I leaned in and hugged him. 

“I honestly couldn’t tell you Adam, but if it is then I’m going to have to break a lot more noses and jaws,” I said giving him a goofy smile. Adam gave a tearful laugh.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” he asked me.

“Uh, I don’t know. I don’t really think about it all that much to be honest. Where the hell did that question come from?” I asked.

“Because I’d bet all the money in the world that you’re either gonna grow up to be a car mechanic or a female wrestler,” he said, sounding amused.

“Oh fuck off!” said, shoving him playfully. “What if I want to be a ballerina?”

“A ballerina?” he repeated. That brought out a genuine laugh in him. I laughed too, because we both knew I’d rather dig ditches than dance. Especially gracefully.

“So how long you grounded for?” Adam asked me.

“Was supposed to be three weeks, but my dad dropped it down to one on account of integrity or some shit,” I replied, picking at the winter-dried grass.

“Integrity, huh?” Adam questioned, one eyebrow cocked.

“I have integrity thank you very much!” I huffed indignantly.

“I’m just messing with you. Who knows, maybe if I really do become famous someday you can be my bodyguard,” Adam mused.

“No way. If you become famous I am not protecting you from your fans. I limit my services strictly to exes and bigoted assholes,” I told him matter-of-factly. “Now come on. Let’s get home. Everyone’s worried about you.”

“That really makes me want to go back,” Adam groaned. 

“Well, can we do something other than sit out here? It’s freezing. Let’s stop at the store. I need some chapstick and ponytail holders. My hair is so thick it’s breaking every one I have,” I proposed. And so we stood and made our way over to the small grocery store a few blocks away. I grabbed a cart on our way in. 

“You need an entire cart for some chapstick and rubber bands?” Adam asked me. 

“Yes. Don’t question my life, Lambert,” I replied as I stepped on the bottom rail of the cart with one foot and pushed off with the other, launching myself full speed ahead. I tried to maneuver the cart sideways as I saw that I was rapidly approaching a display of Nilla Wafers a little too closely for comfort. I didn’t quite succeed though, and the whole display exploded as I hit it with the cart, sending yellow boxes flying in every direction. I stepped away from the cart, and couldn’t stop the giggles that burst forth. Adam looked mortified.

“Oops,” I laughed. A grocery worker came over to see what the commotion was. He looked dismayed as he looked at the floor littered in boxes, and then to me. 

“Sorry,” I said sheepishly. “I’ll clean it up.”

“Don’t worry about it ma’am. I’ll take care of it,” the worker said, irritation evident in his tone. I gave one more apology before bursting into laughter and walking away from the scene of the crime with Adam. 

“My god Faira, you are seriously the most embarrassing person I’ve ever met. That’s pretty bad considering you can even give my rude ass brother a run for his money,” Adam said.

“What can I say? It’s a gift,” I replied airily. We wandered through the isles, and one tube of cherry Carmex and a package of heavy duty rubber bands later, we headed toward the cashier. On the way, we passed the small in-store florist, where a small, plump woman in a white plastic apron stood arranging a large bouquet of pink and white Stargazer lilies. The same lilies that had decorated my mother’s casket. I stared at the brightly colored flowers and my breath hitched as I caught their strongly pungent and disgustingly familiar scent. I closed my eyes and froze in place as the horrid memories washed over me. 

“Faira? You ok?” 

I nearly jumped out of my skin as I felt Adam grab my arm. I swatted his hand away from me. “I’m fine. I uh, just, uh- lost my- nothing. Come on,” I rambled, not making a bit of sense.

“No. I’ve seen you do this before when we walk past the florist. What’s your deal?” he asked me.

“I’m allergic to flowers,” I offered lamely, looking at the ground. Adam was silent for several moments. 

“You must really think I’m stupid if you think I’m gonna buy that,” Adam replied bitterly. I looked at him. He was angry. Maybe even hurt, that I, his best friend was very obviously lying to his face. That thought was oddly comforting. It meant that in at least some way, he truly cared about me. But I still wasn’t willing to divulge the grotesque details of my past. 

“Look. I’m not trying to bullshit you for fun, Adam. I just don’t want to get into it. It’s nothing against you, it’s just those goddamned lilies. I thought I would suffocate from the amount of them that were at my mother’s funeral,” I explained.

“Will you ever tell me what happened?”

“Some day, yes. But now is not the time,” I said to him. 

“Okay, I’m ready to listen whenever you’re ready to talk,” Adam said. I gave him a grateful smile, and I paid for my items. We left the store and walked slowly home hand in hand, and when we approached Adam’s house, he stopped at the end of the driveway. 

“Come on, you’re not in trouble,” I assured him.

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” he replied warily. I gave him a puzzled look before pulling him toward the house. The moment we opened the door, Leila was up and off the couch before we even made it two steps inside. She stopped in front of Adam, and they stood, mother and son staring at one another. It was obvious that Leila had spent the majority of the afternoon crying. 

“Adam? Are you okay sweetheart?” she asked softly, wringing a crumpled tissue in her hands. I looked from her to Adam, and watched as he looked at the floor. He let out a soft sob, and I felt my heart constrict as Leila pulled her son into her arms. He clung to her like a small child and wept. 

“Oh, my baby. My sweet boy. It’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay,” she said softly to him as he trembled in her arms. Fresh tears fell down her pretty face and onto the top of Adam’s head. I suddenly felt like an intruder. A voyeur witnessing a very private and intimate moment; one that I was not entitled to see. So I backed slowly toward the door, opened at as quietly as I could, and slipped out.

I had trouble falling asleep that night as I thought about the day’s events. I closed my eyes and waited for sleep as I wished for some normalcy and peace. For all of us.

*******

By the grace of God, the next few weeks proved to get easier. The incident with Fabian and Amber had been for the most part forgotten, Adam seemed himself again, and people stopped looking at me like I was going to rip one of their arms off and beat them with the wet end. Adam and I were in US History class, and I giggled quietly while Adam glared at me as I tried to distract him from taking notes by throwing bits of wadded up paper at him. 

“Stop! What are you, five years old?” Adam hissed from the desk next to me.

“Physically, no,” I replied. I continued to goof off and do everything but pay attention to my school work. Occasionally I would get a small laugh out of Adam. I grew restless and bored and it was as I was trying to decide on an afterschool activity that the earth violently and permanently shifted completely off of its axis. The classroom door opened, and in stepped a young kid who would grow to be the very bane of my existence. The teacher spoke up. 

“Class, we have a new student. Please welcome Brad Bell.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good lord I swear I will finish this story. Sorry it's been so damn long, and I have no good excuse. But alas, here I am with a shiny new chapter! I hope you're all still willing to catch up with this! Cheers!

**Chapter 5**

_I have finally seen the light_

_And I have finally realized what you mean_

_-Madness, Muse_

**_10 Years Later…_ **

“After the nationwide vote of nearly one hundred million, the winner of American Idol 2009 is…”

I gripped the arm of the chair I was sitting in with one hand and Leila’s arm with the other, no doubt leaving bruises in the shapes of my fingerprints on her poor skin. I feared my heart might explode as hard and fast as it was beating. I closed my eyes briefly and focused on remembering to breathe as Ryan Seacrest clearly took no mind in dragging out the process of announcing the year’s crowning victor of American Idol. The dramatic pause he was holding out was infuriating, and I truly wished at that moment I had a blunt object that was heavier than my high-heeled boot to throw at his face. That or I had a flask with an insanely high percentage of proofed alcohol stashed somewhere on my person. I looked up at the stage and caught Adam’s eye briefly; he smirked and gave me a small wink as he stood next to Kris Allen, towering over both he and Ryan. The difference in their height was almost laughable. But then, over the years Adam had grown to tower above all of us except his father. Time and age had been extremely kind to Adam. I stared at him in awe, and how he had filled out and grown into the most beautiful man I’d ever seen. I marveled at how lucky I was to witness the transformation and evolution of Adam Lambert, the once shy, reserved, and painfully awkward youth, to this amazingly smart, talented, self-assured adult with a killer smile and a sharp tongue. My heart swelled with pride as he stood, confident as ever on that stage awaiting his fate. He didn’t look the least bit fazed. Not to mention that he was dressed better than seventy-five percent of the people in the entire venue. His jet black hair gleamed almost a dark blue, and his kohl and glitter-lined eyes shone brightly under the stage lights.

 _You cocky son of a bitch,_ I thought fondly as I smiled back at him. I then curled myself closer into Leila’s side as Ryan finally spoke.

“…Kris Allen!”

And just like that my heart dropped from my chest to the bottom of my feet.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me!” I shouted, jumping out of my seat. I looked at the shocked faces of Adam’s family and held my hands over my ears as the audience erupted into a deafening cacophony of cheers and disapproval. And then as Kris Allen was crooning out his rendition of that goddamn cheesy “I won American Idol” song and a profusion of confetti and other shit was falling from the rafters, I could feel my body going into fight or flight mode. I turned and looked in all directions for the nearest exit as panic coursed through my veins.

 _“There are no boundarieeeees,”_ Kris belted out amidst the chaos.

“Alright, fuck this. I’m out,” I heard Neil say. I gripped his shirt as he passed by me.

“Get me out of here,” I demanded. Neil wasted no time in grabbing my hand and pulling me roughly through the crowd and out of the venue. As luck would have it, we spotted a small portable bar that had been set up just outside of the arena. We shoved through a few small crowds of the early departed and right up to the bar. “Two Jack and Cokes please,” Neil requested. 

As the bartender set our drinks in front of us and Neil slapped some money down on the bar, I took mine and wasted no time in downing the alcohol. Neil took his drink, grabbed the tiny pink cocktail straw out and flung it aside as he downed the beverage in two large gulps. 

“Two more please. Forget the Coke,” Neil said to the bartender. As our second round of drinks was handed over, Neil paid for them, tipped the bartender, and then grabbed my free hand. 

“Come on. Let’s go get this fucking sideshow over with,” he grumbled as he pulled me along. We made our way quickly through the throngs of people that were beginning to flood out of the arena. I felt a wave of nausea hit me as my heart raced. Once we had reached the backstage area and were granted authorization to enter, it was reasonably less crowded in the corridor we were making our way down. We slowed our pace and I finished off my Jack Daniels with an obscene slurping sound through the tiny straw. Neil had long since polished off his. 

“Why are you walking like you have a two liter shoved up your ass?” Neil asked me as we continued on our way.

“Fuck off. I don’t do well in high heels,” I snapped at him.

“Clearly,” he said, snickering.

“Eat a dick.”

“No thanks. That would be my brother’s department.”

“You’re an asshole,” I replied. Neil simply shrugged. I ceased the conversation, and after a few more twists and turns of the backstage area, we finally reached the Idol green room, or whatever the fuck it was called. All of the contestants and their families were there, creating multiple and deafening conversations. I stood on my tiptoes and scanned over the sea of people. And finally amidst all of the chaos, there he was, completely surrounded. My Adam. Brad was there of course, hanging onto his arm like a goddamned three-year-old. I feared my eyeballs might permanently lodge themselves backward in my skull, as hard as I rolled them.

“There you two are! We were wondering where you went!” Leila shouted over all of the noise, beckoning us over. Neil and I approached the entourage, and Adam finally turned around. He grinned at me and peeled Brad off of him, opening his arms to me. I melted into his embrace, hugging him tightly, and began to cry.

“Oh, Fair, don’t cry!” he said, letting out a small sympathetic laugh. He pulled back and held my face in his hands, wiping my tears with his thumbs.

“I’m sorry,” I blubbered, trying to catch my breath in between sobs. “Fuck this show. Shit is rigged. You should have won. I can’t believe after all of this, all of your hard work, you came in second. It should have been you,” I rambled, and caught sight of Kris Allen just a few feet away, looking slightly dumbfounded. “No offence,” I said to him.

“None taken. I completely agree. Adam should have won,” Kris replied. I buried myself back in Adam’s embrace.

“You smell really good,” I cried into Adam’s chest. He laughed and kissed the top of my head.

“Relax you guys. Good things are going to happen for me. I can feel it,” Adam said with complete confidence. 

“You were born to be a star baby,” Brad said as he sidled up to Adam. 

“You fucking know it,” Adam replied cheekily as Brad snaked his arm through Adam’s. I pulled away in disgust as Brad placed a drink in Adam’s hand. Leila gave me a one-armed hug as she balanced a martini in her other hand. She was very obviously tipsy. Where was everyone getting their alcohol? I didn’t have to wonder for long as Neil came back with two more drinks. He handed me one, and I slammed it, not knowing or caring what it was. I cringed as a few of the female contestants bombarded Adam, screeching like a bunch of wild cats in heat. 

“Good god,” Neil muttered. I watched as Adam grinned though, graciously accepting all of the attention that was being showered upon him. Someone said something that I couldn’t hear, but Brad’s reaction was enough to make me want to projectile vomit.

“I know, I know! Why do you think I love this bitch so much!” he shouted, before turning Adam’s face to his and sticking his tongue so obscenely deep into Adam’s throat that I wouldn’t have been surprised if he came out with a mouthful of Adam’s last meal. Every female within a ten foot radius of us giggled maniacally.

“Yeah, okay. There’s not enough alcohol on this planet to make that even remotely tolerable for me to watch,” Neil said. I feared he was right. “Adam, you know you’re fucking awesome bro. I love you, good job and all that happy horse shit. Now I’ve got to get out of here before I throw something blunt and heavy at Michael Sarver’s face.”

A few people laughed, and Adam blew us a kiss. Neil turned to me. “You look like you’re ready to puke. You wanna go?”

“Please,” I choked out. I waved at Adam one last time, and he mouthed the words “I love you” before holding his hand up to his ear in a makeshift phone, signaling that he would call me. I nodded at him, then took Neil’s hand and let myself be led away before we could witness any more of Brad’s public displays of molestation. I had never been as grateful for fresh air as I was when we finally made it outside. The hotel we were staying at wasn’t more than a few blocks from the venue, so we walked. I dug around in my purse, and pulled a cigarette out of the pack inside. I lit it and inhaled deeply.

“Give me one,” Neil said. I tossed him my purse, too buzzed and lazy to bother with fishing out another cigarette. 

“God, I just want my brain to have an erase button so I can wipe this whole ordeal from my memory,” Neil groaned.

“Yeah well, I want to push Brad into oncoming traffic, but we can’t always have what we want, can we?” I replied bitterly. Neil let out a small laugh. I didn’t hate Brad because he was with Adam. I hated Brad because he was Brad. Rude, arrogant, bitchy, and just an all around prick. Not to mention the fact that he was overly flamboyant to the point of being just offensive.

“What a fuckin’ zoo, huh?” Neil remarked after lighting his cigarette and handing my purse back to me.

“That’s putting it lightly. I’m so happy for Adam, but there’s no way I would ever put myself through all of that shit. I’m not the one who even performed week after week and I’m pretty sure I have an ulcer,” I replied.

“Adam’s gonna be okay though, you know? Fuck American Idol. He’s gonna do amazing things. This is going to change his whole life,” Neil said thoughtfully.

“I don’t have a doubt in my mind about that.”

*******

It was nearing two in the morning as I finally wrestled off the high-heeled boots I’d been tortured with all night. Neil and I were both drunk, having raided the mini bar, and he was looking at a room service menu.

“You hungry?” he asked me as he stood in the middle of the room shirtless, his pants sitting low on his hips. 

“No. Yes. I don’t know,” I mumbled.

“What the hell kind of answer is that?”

“A stupid one. You’re distracting me.”

Neil looked down at his half-naked torso and grinned at me. “What? Don’t like what you see?” he teased, walking over to me.

“Of course I do,” I breathed as I reached up, letting my hands wander over his exposed flesh. He quickly leaned down and captured my lips with his. Our kiss deepened, the both of us wanting for more contact.

**_Aaaaand, time out. Pause._ **

Hi! Faira here. Pardon this brief interruption, but join me in the present tense for a moment, will you? Great.

In case you’re thinking that Neil and I are just spontaneously hooking up right here, we are in fact, not. This is what people in relationships do. Yes. It is exactly what you are all thinking it is. But, let it be known that our relationship was not entered into with me using Neil as a substitute for his brother that I couldn’t have, just to be clear. It was actually Neil who had pursued me for some time, and while I couldn’t deny my attraction to him, I fought it. Neil finally got fed up with me, telling me point blank that it was never going to happen with Adam, so I needed to get my head out of my ass and accept what was. He said, and I quote, _“I would tell you to pull your head out of Adam’s ass, but we all know there’s no room with Brad’s head so far up there.”_ Yeah. Ouch. As time passed though, I couldn’t deny that I had feelings for Neil. We were so much alike, and once I finally gave in, I inevitably fell in love with him. Will I always be in love with Adam? Absolutely. But I love Neil too, and he makes me genuinely happy. He’s ridiculously good looking and amazingly smart, not to mention the owner of one killer sense of humor. No one will ever be as ethereally beautiful and perfect as Adam in my eyes, but Neil is still his own kind of handsome, and I truly do appreciate every aspect of him. 

**_And now we may resume the story._**

Neil and continued to kiss sloppily, with drunken groping here and there, but as I pulled back for a breath, I realized how utterly exhausted I was.

“I’m tired,” I whined.

“Really?” Neil asked, disappointment evident in his voice. I took one look at his red, glassy eyes though and knew he was just as wrecked as I was.

“I’m sorry sweetheart,” I sighed as I lay back on the bed and began taking all of the jewelry I was wearing off, flinging it all over the room.

“It’s alright. It’s been a night from hell,” Neil relented and he flopped down beside me. I felt bad; even though we’d been together for several years, we’d only had sex a small handful of times. It had been at least six months since our last time, and the fault was entirely my own. There were still some things that I just couldn’t get myself beyond. Adam still infected every part of me like some kind of incurable disease. I knew I wasn’t going to magically turn him straight some day; I wasn’t that dense, but I was still extremely conflicted over the whole thing. Somehow Neil never complained. Not that we never satisfied each other in other ways. But I at least had the decency that night to feel like a complete asshole for making my boyfriend go to sleep once again deprived of what I knew his body craved. Still, Neil wrapped an arm around my torso, pulling me close to him. He placed a few lingering, open mouthed kisses along the back of my neck, effectively causing goose bumps to break out across every bit of my exposed flesh. I was still in the tiny black dress I wore that evening, and my G-string was so far up my ass that I could practically taste it, but I was genuinely too exhausted to even change. I felt Neil kiss the side of my head, and then I lost consciousness as though I’d just been injected with Propofol. Lord knows I needed the sleep though.

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews would be so much appreciated! :)


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